In a joint announcement today, researchers at Sweden's prestigious Center for Human Sexuality and New York's Boehringer Institute for Sexual Research announced discovery of the world's first clinically proven aphrodisiac: cash money.
"Cash has been shown in rigorous experiments to be an affective aphrodisiac for human females, increasing their receptiveness and participation in various sexual acts when compared to the behavior of females who had not been treated with cash." said Dr. Gunnar Krinsdorfer, who headed the Swedish group.
"The data is irrefutable." echoed Dr. Harold Barnard of the Boehringer Institute. "Mankind's search for an effective aphrodisiac is now over. Womankind's search can now begin."
The discovery came as no surprise to many workers in the field. "There's been a wealth of evidence available for some time that cash had a profound effect of a woman's sexual attitudes." said Hamilton "Binky" Blankenship, heir to the Blankenship fortune and international playboy, "We 'players' have been using it for years because, quite frankly, it works. This research only proves what we 'high-rollers' have known all along."
Experiments involving hundreds of women in Sweden and the US compared their willingness to "put out" before and after being treated with cash, and the results were conclusive.
"On a first-date basis we found 16% of the cash-treated women willing to put out as compared to only 5% who were untreated." Dr. Krinsdorfer said. "By the third date the percentages had risen to 52% of the cash treated versus only 13% of the untreated. These are quite impressive figures."
There also appeared to be a strong correlation between the amount of cash the women were exposed to and their willingness to put out.
"Generally, the more money the woman is exposed to, the more likely she is to put out." Dr. Krinsdorfer said. "Small amounts of cash in the ten to one-hundred dollar range have almost no effect. It is not until you get into the thousands that the aphrodisiac affect becomes significant, and then it is very impressive."
One of the remarkable things about cash as an aphrodisiac is the way it is administered. Unlike almost all known drugs, cash apparently does not have to be taken into the body to do its work. It is enough to merely show it to the subject
. "It appears to act directly through the optic nerve, and effects centers of higher cognitive function in the brain." Dr. Barnard said. "But the direct mode of action is still under investigation. There is yet much work to do."
This unusual means of administration is supported by the anecdotal evidence. Among those who use cash as an aphrodisiac, the usual route of administration is optical, usually done by "flashing the roll", "pulling out a wad", or "showing the bundle", all terms for a ritual in which the cash is taken from the pocket in a subtle although unmistakable gesture specially calculated to engage the woman's attention. The effect is almost immediate, according to sources, although the cash's effect can be further enhanced by letting the subject actually handle or hold it.
Other users suggest that it is not the cash itself, but its symbolic value.
"Only a jerk uses cash." said Fleming Stir Jr., CEO of the Second Fourth Bank of Ypsilanti, MI. "Those adept in its usage prefer to convert crude cash into a less obvious but more potent form, such as jewelry, furs, or condominiums in Vale [Colorado]."
Although many pharmaceutical manufacturers have expressed an interest in developing an effective aphrodisiac, so far none have contacted the researchers about developing cash's commercial potential.
"We've been told that they wouldn't be able to make their usual profit on a cash aphrodisiac." Dr Krinsdorfer said.
